Thursday, November 4, 2010

Questions for your potential partner

I recently saw a question posed on Facebook, “Help, someone is coming for a proposal. What do I ask him?” This is a question many young women, who intend on getting married, the traditional way, are stuck with. I know many say to ask about his family, career, plans for the future etc. But what about the more pressing questions that are in the back of your mind that you are so afraid to ask. Why are so many women scared to ask their potential partners these scary questions?

I believe that when you are in this situation you should interrogate your potential partner because well quite frankly it’s not like you will be spending enough time together to get to know him. Knowing their families these girls will be married off soon, not to say that this is a bad thing. But the downfall is that these young women will never have the time to get to know their suitors well enough. I agree that even after decades some women still don’t know their husbands but asking those prying questions sure do help.

First and foremost you should enquire about his family; their beliefs; their practices. Because trust me even though we are all Muslim, ritualistic beliefs and practices differ. Don’t be stuck later on challenging the issue of salaami with him or whether you are allowed to celebrate Meelad-un-nabi. These may seem like small issues now, but trust me I’ve seen how it plays out.

Does he have any goals and plans career wise? Is he planning on supporting you with his father’s wealth or his own? I always tell people, I am not a “gold-digger” I have my own wealth Alhamdulliah I can support myself, if need be. I will never marry a man simply because I want his money. But one day when I am pregnant my husband should be able to tell me, “it’s okay, you don’t have to work for a year or two. You can stay home and look after the child. I’ve got you.” That is the proper Islamic etiquette is it not? These are all the basic questions that you should definitely ask, but here comes the questions that make you gulp.

Do you have a history of drugs, alcohol or abuse? I know that if someone has gone astray and repented they needn’t disclose these wrongdoings. But if I am going to be spending the rest of my life with you and having my babies with you, be rest assured I deserve to know! And if you are a man who has truly repented and put that behind you, you will be man enough to look at me and say, “Yes. I have made some mistakes in the past but I have put that behind me” or “No, I have not.” Regardless is he is lying or not he will know that you have standards and is not prepared to put up with nonsense. Don’t take his answer at face value, do your research.

For those like me, and you know what I mean by this, don’t be afraid to ask his feelings on polygamy…. Enough said!

A young women asked an Imam, “Should I request my future husband to take an HIV test?” the Imam replied, “If he comes from a good family, then no you cannot ask that of him, there won’t be a need for this.” You know because the only guys that screw around come from rotten families hey! Its narrow mindedness like this that has left so many young women in the positions that they are in. Whether you are marrying a street cleaner or a religious leader, ask for an HIV test! Those who think that so called “religious people” and men from “good homes” don’t commit adultery are fooled. So no matter how great you may be, Dear Future Husband; you will be tested!

You will know the questions that are important to you, not all women are the same. I know I will ask my future husband about his interaction with my non-Muslim family. If he tells me that I will have to cut ties with them in order to be with him, then good riddance to him he won’t be missed. Oh, and I won’t be changing my surname either after marriage. I don’t believe that it’s an Islamic practice. My father is not Muslim, but I will not deny his name.

Young women, do not be scared to ask those questions. Ask in a polite manner, state from the beginning that these things worry you because you know that there are many unsavoury characters out there and you hope he is not one of them. If you don’t feel comfortable doing this, write the questions down and hand it to him or get someone else to do it. Don’t be abrupt about it, ask nicely and smile. The man who is truly a man, will expect you to ask this. It shows him that you respect yourself and will not be an accessory in the marriage. The man who becomes upset and offended is not for you.

I am sure I have scared quite a few potential suitors away but I ask for a lot because I am worth a lot.

2 comments:

  1. I definitely agree with you on the HIV testing. It's silly and so painfully old-school to say that someone comes from a good family therefore they are good.

    And in a country that has the highest incidence of HIV in the world, HIV testing should be mandatory before marriage. And, it should be done together.

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  2. I enjoyed this post. It spoke to me. Partly because im getting married in a few months.

    I agree with finding out about the different cultural leanings etc. Its good to know beforehand.

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